


Let me in?

by Charcoalll



Series: Raise Your Glass [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, James Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sirius Black Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Sirius is stubborn, healing is hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 15:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23244001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charcoalll/pseuds/Charcoalll
Summary: The Marauders have returned from The Hollyday, and everything has gone back to normal. Besides the fact that Sirius is refusing to tell anything of what happened the night he ran away, James is worried and no-one knows what to do.When a DADA class goes south, all of the above collide... and maybe that's just what the boys need?
Relationships: Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & James Potter
Series: Raise Your Glass [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1671256
Kudos: 120





	Let me in?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Just a little one-shot in the quarantine times!  
I hope you'll enjoy it...  
We're all having a tough time, so if you wanna talk to me, something nerdy or just because, you can catch me on Tumblr: gatheraroundgays
> 
> Enjoy the fic! 
> 
> -Charlie

Their return to Hogwarts had not been extraordinary. Not like it usually would at the start of a new year. 

  
Neither of the boys had fully gotten over what had happened in the break, and while the teachers had been informed, so had all the other students. 

  
The news had been brought by none other than The Daily Prophet, selling the story about; Missing Black Heir.

  
So they had mostly kept their heads down, trying their best to not make themself noticed too much. 

  
That, however, seemed to have the opposite effect of what they had wanted. Their silence was more concerning that they fooling about like they used to. 

  
Which led to the next part of their great plan "Make everything seem okay". 

  
Returning to normal. 

  
They began the pranking again, they began mouthing off in class and returned to their normal obnoxious way of life. 

  
At first, it felt forced. Every smile and laugh as fake as the promises on Snevillus shampoo bottle. 

  
But eventually, they found a rhythm.

  
The one who found it hardest to fall back into their old ways, was, without doubt, Sirius Black himself. Of cause it was, who could blame him? 

  
He still woke up screaming in the night, still had the 'panic attacks' as Lily called them. Still flinched if anyone yelled or moved too quickly. He had grown his hair back out, magically off cause, now longer and more luscious than ever, borderline obsessive over his self-care routine. 

  
But hell, if taking three-hour-long showers and spending an hour on make-up in the morning helped out James' best friend coping with the nightmare that was his childhood, then so be it. 

  
But to get back to business, they had all fallen back into their normal life. 

  
Even Sirius, as well as he now could. 

  
However, that was all put to a test that Thursday morning in their double lection of DADA.

  
James had been half asleep in his chair, having spent most of the night in the kitchen drinking tea with the house elves and Sirius after another nightmare.

  
His mind had been elsewhere. Because another problem had begun to surface, something that scared him more than anything. 

  
Sirius had begun to push him away. 

  
He didn't talk about what happened that night in the Black Mansion, he never had, but now it had gotten to a point where James would worry. 

  
Normally, he would at least tell James a small part of what had happened in his nightmare or flashback. Something, anything.

  
But that had completely stopped. Whenever James woke him, he just turned over in bed, starring blankly at the bedpost, pretending James wasn't there. 

  
Sirius refused to do stuff with them, he stopped going anywhere but classes and the necessary, he didn't talk as much and he would zone out, staring at things that weren't there.   
And James was terrified. 

  
Back in the classroom, a sudden movement caught his eye. 

  
Sirius had gone completely rigid in his seat, eyes fixated on the page in their book where the teacher had asked them to look. 

  
"The Unforgivables are, as the name implies, some of the most dangerous and evil spells that we know off" His back was turned to the class, as he wrote something on the blackboard. 

  
"Sirius?" James whispered, not daring to touch his brother who had now closed his eyes. He was stiff as a bord, clearly trying hard to not begin shaking. 

  
"Now can anyone tell me the three spells in question?" the teacher turned around, looking out over the class. 

  
"Yes, Mr. Snape?" James began tapping his fingers, the classroom just background noise, watching Padfoot intently.

  
The Stag Animagus often felt helpless when this happened, but now more than ever. It had never happened in a classroom before, and he had no idea what to do. 

  
"The Avada Kedavra" Snape's voice replied, and the go some form of praise from the teacher "The killing curse" 

  
Remus sat behind them, and as James looked over his shoulder, he saw that the werewolf had also noticed.

  
"Another one? Anyone?" shit, fuck! Damn it "Mr. Pettigrew?" 

  
James wanted to smack his other friend, but in correspondence with a squeak coming from the other boy, Remus had handled that for him. 

  
"Mr. Pettigrew?" Sigh.

  
"The Imperius curse sir" Peter got out, rubbing the sore spot on the back of his head "it gives the caster complete control over the victim's body" another squeak and a raised brow from the teacher. 

  
Sirius had shrunk in his seat, full-on shaking now, breath coming hard and fast. 

  
"Very good Mr. Pettigrew, five points to Gryffindor" the teacher ventured back to his desk where he leaned against the desktop. 

  
"Now the last one?" no-one raised their hand, and the room was filled with a silence so deafening they would be able to hear a needle drop. 

  
"Padfoot-" James didn't get to finish, having whispered too loud, he suffered the consequences. 

  
"Mr. Potter since you seem to intend on communicating with Mr. Black, why don't you tell us the last curse?" the air quivered in anticipations, waiting for his response.   
He tried to make his voice work but found it uncooperative. He just shook his head. 

  
"A shame" the teacher clicked his tongue and Sirius flinched "What about you Mr. Black? Care to wake up for my lesson?" 

  
Sirius didn't move for what felt like ages. He just sat with his forehead almost touching the rough table surface. 

  
Then, slowly, ever so carefully, the black-haired male looked up. 

  
"Well?" the teacher prompted, and James felt his blood boil. 

  
Anyone with eyes could see Sirius was in pain, this was just plain out cruel. 

  
"The Crucaitus Curse, sir" Sirius gritted out, teeth clenched "The torture curse" that shaking intensified. 

  
"Very good Mr. Black! Not so hard was it? Now keep eyes on me when I teach" the teacher smiled, then returned to speak. 

  
"The Crucaitus curse is also believed to be the most horrible out if the three curses" He pressed on "It is said that it feels like being lit on fire from the inside out, driving people mad

with pain in the process-" He was interrupted by Sirius getting up from his chair, sending it skittering across the floor. 

  
"Mr. Black!" the teacher screeched, but Sirius was already halfway through the classroom, and out the door. 

  
James was just behind him, and he just caught the faint call from the teacher as the door smacked shut behind him. 

  
Now, where had Sirius gone?

oOo

  
"Padfoot?" he tried his best to keep his voice quiet and calm when entering the owlery, but over the many sounds emanating from the animals all around them, it was hard.   
"Siri?" he tried again, stepping further into the tower. 

  
He had started in the astronomy tower, then moved on through the hidden passages. But had not found the shadow of his best friend.

  
The last place he was missing, was the owlery. 

  
Sirius was sitting by one of the big openings, from where the owls would depart with letters. 

  
"Sirius" James breathed in relief, slowly walking over and taking a seat beside his friend. 

  
"I'm sorry" James almost didn't hear the small apology, Sirius voice cracking and thin. It made the stag's heart clench. 

  
"Don't... Don't apologize" James responded, voice as light and comforting as he could force it to be. 

  
"I don't know why this keeps happening, why I can't just... fucking forget about it" Sirius brought up his hand in front of them, it was shaking uncontrollably, and Sirius clutched it tight in annoyance. 

  
"No-one said that you have to get better fast, just take-" James didn't get to finish. 

  
"Yeah, just take my time, that's what Moony said as well" Sirius snorted "I don't want to take time, I want her fucking out of my head! I want her as far away from me as fucking possible... But she... what she did" He stopped and a shudder went through his still too-thin shoulders and struggled to take a deep breath. 

  
"Hey, it's okay" James gently took hold of Sirius's shoulder "you got out, we got you now, you're never gonna go back to that fucking house" James tried to keep his curiosity at bay. Sirius had told them next to nothing of the stuff that happened that night, what exactly his mother did to him.

  
"I know that..." Sirius raised his head to stare out over the grounds again "I know, logically, but it's like my body won't let go of the fear. James, you don't understand what she did" Sirius said, annoyance seeping into his voice, and he shrugged James's hand off his shoulder. 

  
James sighed, throwing his hands up in defeat. Sirius was getting angry, that was better, James could handle anger. 

  
"Because you don't tell me anything" James prompted, both knowing that the anger would give Sirius some form of outlet, but also because he was getting tired of the whole secrecy game. 

  
He had given Sirius time, a lot of it, but this was getting out of hand. He wanted to be there for his best friend, his brother, but he didn't know what to keep an eye on, what to be careful of, what to look for. 

  
Not before it was too late anyway, like in the classroom. 

  
"Because you wouldn't be able to do anything about it!" Sirius hissed, then got up "and I've told you, you don't wanna know!" 

  
"Yes, I do damn it! Yes, I wanna know!" James countered, also standing, grabbing Sirius before he could storm off again.

  
"James-" It was James's turn to cut Sirius's sentence off. This was not how he wanted the conversation to go, but there was no turning back now. 

  
"No, no now you listen to me" James let go of Sirius's arm as quickly as he had grabbed it "I wanna help you, I wanna be there for you... But do you know how hard that is when you don't tell me what happened? When I don't know what sets you off? I don't know how to do this if you won't tell me!" James dragged a hand through his hair, throwing his arms up again "I fucking love you man, you're my brother, seeing you in pain like this... it's tearing me apart, please... Let me in?" The last sentence cracked and he could have kicked himself.

Damn it. 

  
The silence stretched thick in the room, neither of the boys saying anything. 

  
The owls were hooting, the wind was howling and rain had begun to hammer at the roof, but neither of them seemed to notice. 

  
James was starring into the eyes of his brother. To anyone else, they would currently be cold and harsh, steel grey and relentless. But to James, they were like a cracked mirror, fractured and afraid. 

  
"I won't think differently off you Pads, just stop pushing me away" 

  
A tense second followed. James could see the turmoil behind his friend's eyes, this would make it or break it. 

  
Then Sirius made a decision and took a shaky deep breath. 

  
"She... used the Curcaitus on me" 

  
James' veins turned to ice, his stomach turned and he took a step back. 

  
"W-what?" James stammered, swallowing hard and trying to process the information he was given. 

  
"That- that night... she... four times" Sirius had begun to hunch in on himself, a thick sheet of black hair covering his face from the world. 

  
From the fear of James's judgment. 

  
"I didn't want you to know, I knew you would get angry... and hurt and whatever the fuck you're feeling right now! and-" He paused as if looking for the words "and I caused you enough fucking worry and pain, or whatever you call it! I thought I could handle it myself, but... but I don't know what to do anymore" 

  
James was at a loss of words. Then, anger crashed against his mind, and his blood began boiling. There was so much he wanted to say, to yell, to scream. 

  
How dare they? How dare anyone lay a single fucking finger on a child like that? Fuck that, how dare anyone lay a finger on Sirius? 

  
"My parent's? Do they know?" James forced through gritted teeth, not trusting himself to say anything more. 

  
"I couldn't have kept it from your mom, even if I wanted too" Sirius sat back down, and James would have followed if he could move his body, "James I told her not to tell you. I didn't want you to know, I thought I could handle it myself! But then the nightmares wouldn't stop... and I suddenly wanted nothing more than to tell you... but I knew it would only make everything worse for you... You already have to babysit me enough as it is..." 

  
James felt like crying, and he was happy that Sirius had moved so that James was standing with his back turned to his brother. 

  
Another pregnant silence filled the room. James was shaking with... he didn't know what exactly, but it was like a knot had formed in his chest and he couldn't breathe. 

  
"You're not the burden you think you are" James breathed out, forcing himself to soften his voice "I want to help you, I do, I wanna share your pain, to ease it off your shoulders as best I can. You are not causing me pain by telling me, you are causing me pain by keeping it from me. It's the same with Remus..." James had to take a breath and get the tears in his eyes under control, "We're your family now, and we're are gonna do our damn best to never hurt you ever again" 

  
Sirius was quiet for a long while as if processing James' words. 

  
"I don't know if I can... " He trailed off "If I can ever be like before," he said then, quiet, and eerily sounding like the night in front of James' door.

  
"That's okay" James walked to his brother's side, sitting down "I'm here anyway... and so is Remus" 

  
The owls began hooting again, and a big snowy owl came soaring through the sky. 

  
"Till the mischief is managed?" Sirius asked, tears evident in his voice that sounded croaking and tight.

  
"Till the mischief is managed" James mirrored his words from the end of the first year, "Now, we missed the entire DADA class if we miss lunch Remus and Peter will have my head on a plate" James joked and Sirius gave a wet chuckle. 

  
"They will be the death of us James" Sirius laughed, taking the hand James offered to get up. 

  
"Well, then it would have been worth it right?" And with that the two boys left the owlery, arms slung casually around each other as if nothing had happened.

oOo

"James, what is wrong?" Remus had come down the stairs after he was sure Sirius was asleep, just as James had asked of him. 

  
"That fucking bitch is on the top of our list Remus," James said cooly, hands folded in front of his face, starring into the dull fire. 

  
"Just underneath Fenrir," James said, seeing Remus flinch at the name "Walburga Black is gonna fucking pay for what she did" 

  
Remus had not heard such hatred in his friend's voice since they had learned of his condition in the second year.   
It was terrifying. 

  
"I'm gonna make her fucking pay" 

  
Remus didn't for one second think that James was joking.


End file.
